It’s what people don’t see, all the secrets, playing face, and the hidden heart break. When I look into my children’s eyes I know I want better for them, for us. The constant battle of wanting to prevent a broken family but also wanting them to have a happy mother. They deserve the world and pure happiness.
When he goes out drinking with his friends and they piss him off purposely. They don’t realize that he comes home and takes it out on you. It’s like he has a switch and when he is mad he is irrational. It’s like he can’t see clearly and is purely blinded by rage. But he has never hit you. He’s shoved you for getting too close but he has never hit you. He always plays the victim. He blames you and makes it your fault. He says many hurtful things that cut right through you. But later the next day he apologizes and says it’ll never happen again for the nth time. He promises he will do better and quit drinking. But a few days later it’s like the pattern has reset to the beginning and your going through the motions again.
At what point do you walk away? How many chances is enough? Am I strong enough to walk away and do this on my own? He has me trapped. No car, no job, no money, and no free time. “Be a stay at home mom and raise our kids. It’ll be fine and I’ll support you. I won’t hold it over your head that I’m the one working.” He said. What a joke. Everywhere I turn, left, right, behind me, and all I hear is him holding it over my head. He’s never home. He goes to work, then goes and enjoys his freedom, then comes home right before or right after bedtime. But I’m not allowed to complain because he busts his ass all day at work and needs to cool down and clear his head. But what about me? Where is my free time? When can I go and clear my head and cool down? Oh thats right this is one sided.
When he touches me I cringe. I hate that I can’t stand him touching me sexually. I’m his wife and I should crave his touch. But emotionally I’m drained, tarnished, and scarred. I feel used and abused. The emotional scars run deep. The pain makes my chest feel heavy and like I can’t breath. I feel stuck and trapped. I’m waiting out the inevitable and biding my time to try and find my way out. He doesn’t speak my love language anymore and he doesn’t listen to my cries. I’ve fought and fought to make this work and to salvage this marriage. But it’s all one sided.
I made a vow to this man. We promised eachother forever. But I’m taken advantage of and for granted. Don’t I owe it to myself to find a way out? But what if I didn’t try hard enough? All of this makes me bitter and indifferent. I’m not myself anymore. I’m not who I was and I am not who I aspired myself to become. Will I make it through this? Do I have it in me to break my family apart and try to find my happiness? Am I being selfish? Will my children blame me when they are older? Will they hate me for this life changing decision?
I’m trapped in the four walls of this house. My own invisible prison.
Invisible Prison 